On Vegans

Can I take a minute to write about a group of people who just really irk me? Vegans. Vegans annoy me to my very last inch of life. Never have I met a vegan with good intentions. You either have a political agenda, or you have an eating disorder. I could really just stop at that.

If you want an automatic way to let me know you are an obnoxious person, please state you are a vegan. Oh, and I know shortly after meeting you, you will, because that is what you vegans do. After that statement comes out of your mouth, I will grab my pillow and sit back comfortably to sleep listen. Believe me, vegans always have a speech to give about their choices. Without their contribution to veganism, the world would fall apart, the atmosphere would collapse, and oh, the global warming that would occur then.

Listen, you stupid hipster, you are not making the world a better place by not eating animal products. You are not saving any poor, underpaid factory workers from slicing off their fingers in a meat grinder. You sure as hell are not saving any animals. I have news for you: they are going to kill them regardless of whether or not you are eating them. You. Annoy. Me.

Do you want to know what you vegans really are? Mal-nourished. No wonder you are all so pale and tiny. Go eat some meat, and while you are at it, take off your skinny jeans. Those legs need some air.