Saturday, February 27, 2010

On Leggings

Ladies (and the occasional man),

Lets talk about a little trend that is particularly unflattering on 99.99% of the population. Leggings. I could really stop this post by saying LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS! I had to make that huge so those who are particularly dumb hard of seeing could take something away with them.

I cannot reiterate how painful it is to see a girl walk around in a t-shirt and leggings. Let me tell you the sad truth: Unless your parents were a toothpick and a tree, the leggings will not work. EVER. Not when you lose ten pounds, not when you lose 20 pounds. NEVER. Your legs look ridiculous. You look ridiculous. I am only trying to help.

So, friends, when you see a dumb girl with big blonde hair person wearing leggings without something over them, please, PLEASE, tell them they look like an idiot. Also, please inform them that everyone else in their sorority is wearing the same thing... Oh, and the bump-it is not working for them either. Okay? Thanks.

Your caring friend,

Thursday, February 18, 2010

On Heidi Montag

Dear Readers,
I apologize for my delay in updating my posts. A little something called my life came before the internet. I know this is mind blowing to some of you: that you can go a day without checking email and facebook. But, fret no more. I am here to give you my thoughts once again.

A few weeks ago I saw a magazine with a picture of a life size barbie on the cover, only to find out it was the remnants of Heidi Montag. The article said that she had ten plastic surgeries in one day. Ten! Let's recap the surgeries she had done:
1. Cheeks
2. Nose
3. Lips
4. Chin
5. Boobs
6. Boobs
7. Boobs
8. Boobs
9. Boobs
10. Boobs

Where is Heidi? I can't see her over the massive chest. While some men may like the new look, it is awful. Absolutely awful, Heidi! What the hell were you thinking? I used to feel bad for you being married to Spencer, but now I feel bad for him being married to you! Oh, your mom didn't like the look? I have news for you, dear: You took yourself from a pretty girl to an unrecognizable Play Boy bunny with boobs that are going to sag to the floor one day. Those. Things. Are Huge. Have fun with the upkeep.

You say you want to feel comfortable with yourself? Here's a trick: Gain some self-respect. Problem solved. I should be a freaking psychologist. I could have saved that girl a lot of money. Not that there is a brain to reason with in that overdone head of hers. Spencer could have saved a lot of money by just buying a blowup doll, since they would resemble each other... but I guess then no one would know who he was. Poor guy.

Friday, February 5, 2010

On Vegans

Can I take a minute to write about a group of people who just really irk me? Vegans. Vegans annoy me to my very last inch of life. Never have I met a vegan with good intentions. You either have a political agenda, or you have an eating disorder. I could really just stop at that.

If you want an automatic way to let me know you are an obnoxious person, please state you are a vegan. Oh, and I know shortly after meeting you, you will, because that is what you vegans do. After that statement comes out of your mouth, I will grab my pillow and sit back comfortably to sleep listen. Believe me, vegans always have a speech to give about their choices. Without their contribution to veganism, the world would fall apart, the atmosphere would collapse, and oh, the global warming that would occur then.

Listen, you stupid hipster, you are not making the world a better place by not eating animal products. You are not saving any poor, underpaid factory workers from slicing off their fingers in a meat grinder. You sure as hell are not saving any animals. I have news for you: they are going to kill them regardless of whether or not you are eating them. You. Annoy. Me.

Do you want to know what you vegans really are? Mal-nourished. No wonder you are all so pale and tiny. Go eat some meat, and while you are at it, take off your skinny jeans. Those legs need some air.